MissKayleeKuppiecake

Waiting…

So now I’m here, in this place that I’ve always called home… The smell of rain, the shocking green; a gigantic change from the yellows of Wyoming…but this doesn’t feel like home anymore… I look around at the places and wonder what it is about Ellensburg i’ve missed so much…the people? definitely. My friends are what made me happy here. However, everything else is so dull. The “smalltown” feeling this place once held now doesn’t hold a match to Newcastle. That was smalltown, and unfortunately, that became comfortable. Now i’m here. And what is so great about here? I don’t even know anymore. Thats my fault… I’m different. I left here feeling insecure about everything I ever did… breathed, eating, walking down the street. Constantly wondering who I am, and if i’m in the right place. Well, now i KNOW who i am…and i know i’m not in the right place. I dont know where the right place is, hell i’m not even sure If its in Wyoming or Washington…but its not here. And worse, the tormenting feeling of always wanting to be away from home, but not knowing where to go because I’m not even sure of who I want to see anymore. I want out, but I don’t want to see anyone. I just want…out. 

And then I remember that yea, there is one person i want to see. one. and he’s in wyoming. he hasn’t thought of my existence since graduation. he wants to kill himself because he feels invisible, ugly, unwanted, useless. Does this guy know he dominates most of my thoughts? He’s not invisible. Does he know that when I see him smile, i literally light up? He’s not ugly. Does he know that when I’m at my worst, or even my best, i want to share that with him? He’s not unwanted. And does he know that there are some ideas and thoughts he has that make me rethink alot of what my own opinion is. He’s intelligent and funny. He’s not useless. But he doesn’t even remember me or care that I think about him. And that hurts, it hurts so bad because I want to move on and can’t because I’ll always be looking for him. Always be searching for something that can even come close and they wont. I’m young, i understand that. I’ve got years ahead of me, i know. So why? Why did I have to fall so hard this time when i’ve got years to find “him”. And whats so wrong about finding him this early in life??…oh yea, because I’m not what he wants. thats why. 

Fuck. My. Life.